


HOW DO YOU PL34D?

by inverts



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-18
Updated: 2011-09-18
Packaged: 2017-10-23 20:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/254486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inverts/pseuds/inverts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in response to a meme prompt requesting trolls threatening John to treat Karkat right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	HOW DO YOU PL34D?

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on the livejournal kink meme in response to this prompt: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/10240.html?thread=16369408#t16369408

EB: karkat! i really wish you would take this seriously!   
CG: LOOK, JOHN, IF YOUR STUPID BULLSHIT PRANKSTER’S GAMBIT IS THIS IMPORTANT TO YOU, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING TRY HARDER.  
CG: YOU COULD EVEN, I DON’T KNOW, TRY TELLING ME SOMETHING THAT’S ACTUALLY FUCKING PLAUSIBLE.   
EB: this isn’t a prank, karkat! she tied me to a chair and there was a noose in her hands!  
EB: i thought i was going to die!!  
EB: again!   
CG: THAT IS A COMPLETELY REDUNDANT ADDENDUM, AS IF I HAVE NOT PERSONALLY WATCHED EACH AND EVERY TIME YOU PROVE JUST HOW MUCH OF A NOOKSNIFFING FAILURE YOU ARE BY THE FACT THAT YOU CANNOT EVEN STAY DEAD  
CG: THOUGH  
CG: I AM ACTUALLY SORT OF REALLY FUCKING GRATEFUL TO HAVE YOU AROUND STILL  
CG: AND NOT DEAD  
CG: I GUESS.  
CG: FINE.  
CG: LET’S GET BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND.  
CG: WE CAN PRETEND THAT I AM ACTUALLY GOING ALONG WITH THIS FAIRY TALE.  
CG: WHAT KIND OF ASININE CHARGES WAS SHE ACCUSING YOU OF?   
EB: um…  
EB: well  
EB: stuff.   
CG: THAT’S PRETTY CONVINCING.  
CG: I AM SO THOROUGHLY SWAYED BY YOUR ARTICULATE DESCRIPTIONS.  
CG: YOU COULD JOIN THE OBLIDERADEBATE LEAUGES WITH SUCH WELL-THOUGHT PRESENTATIONS.   
EB: karkat!  
EB: it’s embarrassing!   
CG: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO PULL THIS PRANK, DEAL WITH IT.   
EB: i really wish you would believe me.  
EB: it kind of hurts a lot that you don’t!  
EB: :C  
EB: karkat?  
EB: are you still there?   
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD, PAST ME IS SUCH A COLOSSAL ASSHOLE, YOU WOULD THINK HE WOULD EVENTUALLY LEARN, BUT NO, HE IS ALWAYS JUST THIS GRUBMUNCHING CHUMPASS.  
CG: LOOK, I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOU.  
CG: I AM ALWAYS SAYING THE WRONG THINGS AND I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU PUT UP WITH IT.  
CG: WHAT I MEAN IS THAT I AM TRYING TO APOLOGIZE.  
CG: I’M JUST KIND OF SKEPTICAL BECAUSE I CAN’T FATHOM ANY REASON SHE WOULD WANT TO DRAG YOU INTO HER DUMB GAMES FOR GIRLS.  
CG: I COULD SEE VRISKA TRYING TO GET YOU TO PLAY PIRATES WITH HER OR SOMETHING.  
CG: BUT WHY DID TEREZI WANT YOU IN HER IDIOT COURTROOM DRAMA?   
EB: hehehe. you are so easy to fluster. :)   
CG: FUCK YOU.   
EB: it’s okay. i know you and her are close!  
EB: maybe that’s part of it??  
EB: she said i was on trial to determine if i was, uh…  
EB: oh jeez, maybe i shouldn’t be talking to you about this!  
EB: not just because it is embarrassing, either!   
CG: LOOK, IF SHE HAD HER TONGUE ALL OVER YOU, I UNDERSTAND IT’S INVASIVE AND CREEPY BUT I’M NOT GOING TO JUDGE.  
CG: YOU CAN TELL ME.   
EB: karkat!!  
EB: wow, now i’m even more embarrassed!   
CG: WAIT  
CG: WHAT  
CG: SHIT  
CG: I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.   
EB: whatever, dude.  
EB: i guess since i already started telling you, i’ll say the rest.  
EB: because you’ll just try to troll me until i tell you, otherwise.   
CG: DAMN RIGHT.   
EB: and you’re not very good at it.   
CG: YOU WOULDN’T KNOW GOOD TROLLING IF IT KICKED YOU IN THE SHAME GLOBES.  
CG: ANYWAY  
CG: FUCKING STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME.  
CG: I SEE THROUGH YOUR PITIFUL RUSE.   
EB: oh man, you totally caught me! hehehe.  
EB: the thing is, she started out with charges that sounded kind of normal!  
EB: i mean, they weren’t things i was doing. but they were legitimate crimes! not silly phony made up crimes.  
EB: she went on about theft and political conspiracy and some stuff about power plays.   
CG: DID YOU PLEAD NOT GUILTY?   
EB: duh!!  
EB: and then she drubbed me with her cane!  
EB: and said if i wasn’t willing to own up to my crimes then i didn’t deserve to keep the spoils of war.  
EB: actually she… kept talking about plundering and raiding…  
EB: it got a little creepy. and uncomfortable.  
EB: karkat, i don’t think of you as a village to plunder!   
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL INCREDIBLE FUCK.   
EB: and i value you as my equal and co-palhoncho! and i wouldn’t ever try to undermine your authority, or… or use stuff like… romantic stuff… to make you do things i wanted you to do!   
CG: STOP.   
EB: and i just want us to be friendleaders together! even if sometimes i tell you to stop yelling at everybody, i think it’s really great the way you get so worked up because you care so much!   
CG: STOP.  
CG: JUST  
CG: STOP.  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: YOU WERE RIGHT, THIS IS DISGUSTINGLY EMBARRASSING.  
CG: PLEASE NEVER TALK ABOUT TEREZI FANTASIZING ABOUT YOU MANIPULATING ME BY USING SEX EVER AGAIN.  
CG: IF NOTHING ELSE, THE IDEA IS SO IMPROBABLE IT’S LAUGHABLE.   
EB: hey! i could totally manipulate you by being sexy. i have a lot of mangrit.  
EB: and vriska gave me some tips on how to be sexy.  
EB: SEXY WINK ;)   
CG: PLEASE.  
CG: WHATEVER PITIFUL HUMAN SEX ORGANS YOU HAVE, I AM SURE THAT THEY ARE DUMB AND INFERIOR TO MY TOTALLY AWESOME TROLL BULGE.   
EB: you wish!  
EB: ugh… did we seriously start having a dick measuring contest?  
EB: is that really a thing that’s happening here?   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A DICK MEASURING CONTEST?  
CG: NO, WAIT. DON’T TELL ME.  
CG: THE PART OF MY THINK PAN THAT CAN COPE WITH DUMB HUMAN IDIOTS IS FUCKING DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT.   
EB: haha, you’re not even a little curious?   
CG: NO.  
CG: MAYBE.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: I REFUSE TO ENTERTAIN THE NOTION THAT IT IS NOT COMPLETELY AWFUL, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE FROM YOUR SHITTY UNIVERSE.  
CG: AND I WILL NOT BE LURED INTO YOUR TRANSPARENT PRANKING SETUP.  
CG: YOU STUPID FUCKING SACK OF EXCREMENT.  
CG: I DO NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOUR MORONIC HUMAN IDIOMATIC PHRASING MEANS, NOR AM I AT ALL INTERESTED IN LEARNING.  
CG: LOOK  
CG: THIS IS COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO ANY OF THAT  
CG: BUT  
CG: ARE YOU AT YOUR RESPITEBLOCK?   
EB: (hehehe)


End file.
